I Wish


You are cut from the reach of my steadfast hands;
Maybe that’s how you and I chose it to be.
Either utmost love or disappearance,
That’s how we chose it to be and you took it literally.

I showed you my every teardown,
My every blood drop shed through my words and verse;
But you kept quiet, distance apart and now its been years since I heard your voice, saw your face or knew anything about you absolutely.

And today I wish I could know, how deep did it cut when I was torn apart from you or was it just a little prick?
Did it damage like the tornadoes do or not as it just a storm that blew too soon?

See I don’t wish to draw pleasure in your turbulence if any occurred;
I just want to know where I stood the day you took the last vow;
Vow to undo all the vows!
That particular day when I was lying beneath the waves of a life-shaking tsunami and catching my breath;
Were you basking on the beach or were you a little wet in the rain of misery?

Because I was drenched.
I was drenched in the abyss of breathlessness like you were a vital organ that failed;
I wish you hadn’t failed, first love.
I wish we hadn’t failed, first love.

Because you were the one thing I swear, one thing I let engulf me and believe me I could have happily spent my whole life in your stomach. It was my happy place. You were my happy face.
You were one thing I could have compromised everything for and believe me, that coming from me is not an easy deal because now I compromise nothing for nothing.
You were my extra hand I would have extended to make up for your shorthanded love because now I don’t walk an inch further for anything that’s meant or meant not to be.
You were the ray of optimism in my darkest of nightmares where you never returned and now I am a lone pessimist.

You were strong I knew;
I was stronger I discovered but at this moment I am weak.
My day vision is opaque to your refraction but the damn night is when you seep in; In my dreams.

And today after years I am weak and I wish for our paths to cross again some fine day;
I’ll pretend to be who I was and who I am not and you can just sit and tell me,
Tell me, did it hurt just a little?
Or you lost heartbeats in a row like a severe concussion and could feel the heartache in your mouth?
Because that’s how it happened to me!

Tell me, my former worth.
Was I just the deprived sleep of a day or two or was I someone you incessantly craved?
Tell me about your withdrawal symptoms in my absence, if any!

I wish to know the consequences of the strongest emotions I felt;
And though we’ll never resonate in that magical frequency ever again because I love myself a little too much and yet a little too less than how much I loved thee.

Ah, love that enormous returned to anonymity.
A love that enormous that if it escapes to the universe and condenses to be a bright spot, the world will have a new north star.
Love that enormous but All for nothing.
And I wish you hadn’t failed, first love.
I wish we hadn’t failed, first love.

-Disha Tripathi

Illustration by amazing Muhammed Salah